Guest Post: The Other Side of the Coin. Yes, Now I Work From Home - as a stay-at-home mom

So I thought it would be an awesome idea to have my girlfriend Angela guest post on AngryWorkingMom. You see, she is a former AWM who now stays home…talk about perspective!

Ok, this is the deal.  I am an attorney by trade.  Did the whole law school thing, passed the bar (yes, on the first try) and then worked as a criminal prosecutor for 11 years.  For those who are unsure, that means I put away bad guys for a living - though I use the words "for a living" lightly.  When I told one of my friends how much I made annually after being in the same office for over 10 years, she was appalled. No, not triple figures; in fact, not even close, my friends.  Don't get me wrong, I really did love my job. That's why I did it for so long.  I felt valued.  Also, I really truly liked all of the people in my office, which is certainly not something that everyone can say.  But then, I quit.  You might be a bit baffled by that statement after I just told you I loved my job and liked the people I worked with.  So, why did I quit? 

My kids.  

I NEVER, EVER envisioned myself as a stay-at-home mom.  In fact, I hate to admit it now, but I really sort of looked at stay-at-home moms with scorn and pity.  I would see them dropping their kids off at daycare in their little workout outfits or tennis skirts and think how sad and pathetic that was and how much better I am in my suit going to work to save the world.  

Acquaintances, who were stay-at-home moms, would mention how busy their day was as we chit chat after dinner in the yard while our kids played: first they walked the dog, went to the tanning salon, had their nails done, picked up some groceries and then their child got off the bus.  I thought to myself, "Oh really, well I got up at 5:00 am, worked out, spent the day in court to put a child molester in prison for life, picked up my kids at 5:59, got groceries, made dinner, folded a load of laundry, bathed and read to my kids and put them to bed.  Then I did another 2 hours of work on my files.  So take that stay-at-home mom."  Of course, I never uttered those words to those acquaintances (notice that I don't say friends - I didn't have time for friends 'cause I was a working mom) but just gritted my teeth and shook my head in disdain at her lack of goals.

To explain, I ran into my 1st grade teacher a few years ago, and she told me that I was the most competitive kid she had in her class in over 20 years of teaching.  I have always been that way.  I have to be the best at whatever it is I am doing.  And I feel like I have managed to do that pretty well through college and into my career.  I was good at my job, I mean really good at it.  So, you can imagine how hard it was for me to quit, right?  It was the hardest decision of my life.  It took me two years to actually pull the trigger to do it. 

For the first 5 years of my oldest son's life, I didn't feel the guilt nearly as much.  I was a career woman, for pete's sake, with a very important job.  I knew he was in a great preschool and figured he had a great time playing with friends all day.  What could be better, right?  At least, that's how I justified it to myself maybe.  Of course, I was dropping him and our younger son (3 years younger) off at 7:30 every morning and I was always the crummy mom running in the door at 5:59 to pick them up.  And, of course, they were usually the only 2 left there sitting at the front door with the school director.  That's always a nice fuzzy feeling.  (FYI: the school closed at 6:00 and you would get docked $5 for every minute past that.)  

But that's not what made me quit.  It was my oldest son's kindergarten year that pushed me over the edge.  When your kindergarten child asks you for about the 5th time, "Mommy, why don't you ever get to go on field trips with my class," it kind of gets to you.  I didn't have the kind of job that I could take a long lunch and go on a field trip or help with the class Valentine's Day party.  I was in the courtroom and wasn't in control of my own time.  If court was in session, I had to be there.  So, after missing the Zoo field trip, the class Halloween party, the class Christmas party, the Firehouse field trip, and the end-of-the year Field Day, I realized I was missing out on way too much of my kids' lives.  

My career was SOOO important to me and my identity because of the competitive person that I was, but I began to realize that I was going to look back in a few years and my kids would be in intermediate or middle school and I would have missed all those little class parties and field trips and I could NEVER EVER get them back.  Selfishly, I wanted to keep my important and challenging job, but knew that the right thing, the selfless thing, to do was to quit and stay at home with my kids.  It still makes me shudder just a little bit to say those words, even though it's been exactly 3 years since I made the momentous decision.  

People ask me all the time if I miss my job.  Honestly, yes I do.  I miss the challenge and the adult interaction and the feeling of accomplishment.  And although it was meager as a state employee, I also miss the paycheck.  But, do I regret the decision?  Not for a minute.  I now am confident that I did the right thing for me and especially for my kids.  I am home when they get off the bus in the afternoons.  I have time to help them with their homework.  I can always go back to work if I want to when they get older, but I can never get these years back with them.  

I know that it's not for everybody and that not everyone has the luxury of being able to quit their job for financial reasons.  But in hindsight, it was the best thing I have ever done for my kids.  And me!  

Comments

[angryworkingmom]

Ang- Awesome post!

[BigLittleWolf]

I so get this. I was in my 30s with an established career when I married and had kids. The first few years, I had a babysitter at home during my 8 hours at the office (a scaled back 8 hours); and then a day-care pre-school arrangement (with me dropping them off at 7:30 and picking them up at 6 like you), and I was frequently working into the night - all those corporate hours that couldn't get done during the day.

Then I went to a partial home-office situation, but when my elder son (5 or 6?) called my boss and asked why he wouldn't let his mom be home more often, that broke my heart. I'd been working more than 20 years at that point, changed jobs to take a (lower level) full time corporate position that allowed for 95% home office work. The mad juggle I kept up for years. Full time stay-at-home mom, full-time employee still putting in 60+ hours. NUTS.

There's no 'win' in any of this for many of us. We want to participate fully in raising our children; we also don't want to lose the foothold in our careers (for various reasons, like financial survival as well as self-esteem). And we live in a culture in which motherhood remains a battlefield, on so many levels, with no infrastructure to support us if we don't have family.

Sorry to run on. I get this. The silver lining? Our kids, as we parent them, see them grow strong and grounded. Knowing we did that job responsibly.

[angryworkingmom]

BigLitteWolf-

Well said! You are so right! There really is no win, win in this for many of us. I think it would be easier if I hated my job or didn't have a career or a business that I ran. That decision would be easy, but for me I feel guilty for missing things, I feel guilty that I love my career..basically I feel screwed (hence the Angry..;))

[Korinthia Klein]

I run my own business and since school let out for summer I have all three kids with me all the time. It's definitely not ideal because too many days I feel as if I'm not able to focus on any one thing as well as I'd like. There's guilt that comes with the work-at-home parent territory, too.

But the amazing thing I've noticed about parenting is that those little moments (like when the baby smiles at you after hours of keeping you up at night being fussy) somehow cancel out the long stretches of frustration or boredom. I have good moments at work but they're not the same. When my daughter snuggles up and tells me she loves me it makes everything okay no matter what came before.

In any case, lovely post, and I'm glad you were able to realize what you would regret missing before it was too late to do something about it. I wish you the best of luck with the new challenges that lie ahead and I hope you get to enjoy many a cute field trip.

[Jen]

Great post! I think so many of us can relate to this.

I worked full time when I had my first. After a few years, I cut back to part time. But when I got pregnant with my second, I quit. That was over five years ago.

It was a rather difficult adjustment at first. There was a little bit o' culture shock. I mean previous quitting, all my friends were 'work' friends. I didn't even know my neighbors that well because I was never home.

But as time went on, I got used to it. I was able to create something that worked for me and my family.

Now I'd be lying if I said there haven't been dark times where I've struggled with losing myself in the role of mommy. But dark times happen no matter what situation you're in, right?!

Angela, congrats on making a decision that works for you and your family.

[angryworkingmom]

Korintha- I agree completely with you and for the most part feel the exact same way. I in know way think that the those wonderful kiddo moments (which are often so few and far between) compare with work achievements. I do need to work for many reasons: financially, sense of accomplishment, identity and to provide. We could not survive on one income. BUT don't for a second think that work fulfills me. I wish we could have it all..I wish we could have it both ways..I wish that there were an extra 10 hours in every day so that I could be everything to everybody...the wish that all working Moms have! Oh and KUDDOS to working full time at home with the kids!

[angryworkingmom]

Jen- thanks for stopping by and commenting!

I'm on baby #2 and can still make it happen, but it's not pretty. The craziness that happens to make it to little things during the school day (who am I kidding the craziness to make it out the door with two kids every day) is some times overwhelming! I completely see Angela's point where she couldn't come to anything, ever and it makes you feel like a real shitty Mom! Trust me I'm the queen bee at feeling this way. I try to make it to everything that I think is important but will never ever be able to do it all!

Did I emphasize that it "ain't" pretty! I am the most together person at my job..I'm not the most together person in the rest of my life. I'm constantly saying Oh shit! I forgot the field trip money or Oh God I didn't make kiddos lunch last night. Some how it all comes together and I don't THINK the kids notice...

[Angela]

Thank you for all the positive feedback on the post. If AWM will let me, maybe I can post one every once in a while from the AWM turned stay-at-home mom (SAHM).

[AWM]

IAngela- anytime! You certainly have unique perspective fop

[AWM]

Angela- anytime! I really enjoyed your perspective from AWM to SAHM!!

[SaucyB]

I really enjoyed this post so much. I am going through a similar situation myself. My job has begun to require much more travel than an I want or am willing to do. (I have a 4 Y.O.) I've come to terms with what i'm willing to give to my job without short changing my family. And if that means I get fired, then so be it!
I was also always very driven, Miss "Next Stop the Corner Office". But you know what? Priorities change. And while I don't think I would be satisfied with being at home, I have given a great deal of thought to taking an Admin Assistant type job that is just that, a job. Where i clock in, clock out and leave my cares at the desk when i leave for the day. Thanks again for illuminating this struggle.

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