Angry Working Mom

The 5 second rule

There are some things that the 5 second rule applies to: 1) passie of screaming baby drops on the kitchen floor- passes for me 2) the very last fruit gummy drops on the floor - with out hesitation 3) The last 3 drops of Tequila....you get were I am going with this. Sometimes as Moms "you gotta do what you gotta do".

There are just some times when that same 5 second rule, just DOES NOT apply. This leads us to an eventful evening...

I hear a yelp from my hubs that was hysterical. It would be the equivalent of my seeing a GIGANTIC bug running toward me bare foot (but it was some how manly and terrifying at the same time). He is changing baby girl's diaper and I am giving my 6 year old a bath when I hear this come from our bedroom. I run in thinking he is going to be holding the baby by her toe as she flew off the bed. Nope. Daddy is holding her with a white face and a look of mischief. "What is it" I ask...."Nothing, Nothing". Right about this time I notice he has a poop diaper. Yep, the ball of poop flew out of the diaper, rolled into the bed squarely in my spot. Can you believe that SOB was going to let me lay in crap? We had to Clorox the sheets at 11 and get them back on the bed before we could get to sleep. He is still laughing about this today!

SO, to summarize: Shit, does not fall under the 5 second rule!

If I were a man, my kids would stink!

 

What the hell is wrong with men? I am shocked over and over at how much women do versus their husbands. We all know it, we all complain about it, and yet it still remains.

 

The passive aggressive version of the man I married is getting to me. When I ask you to do something (he would argue that I “tell” - semantics), just tell me "I may half ass it, if I get around to it next Tuesday, maybe."  At least if you told me "Hey, screw you, I’m not going to do it," I would know that it’s not going to happen. My ignorance to reality lets me run down the path of thinking hey, he has all day, surely it will get done today. I just don’t get why men think that they don’t have to do anything that isn’t super F’n fun.

 

So, today I am living like I am a man, and if I were a man… 

• My kids would never have their hair washed (EVER). He just refuses this part of giving the kids a bath.

• I would have a beer with the boys whenever the hell I feel like it. 

• I would never screw with homework or reading with the kids.  Ah, they’ll figure it out.

•  I would leave in the morning as soon as the clock hit 7 no matter how much still needed to happen to get 2 kids out the door- oh, the wife has it. 

• I would have no freaking idea how to clean a tub, a floor, a cabinet, or a dish.  In fact, I would have no idea where a single cleaning product resides. 

• I have no idea what the kids eat. Hey, I might feed em’ but screw paying attention, I’ll just call the wife- she’ll know what to do. 

• To hell with yard work- that’s no fun. We’ll outsource that. 

• I would never wipe my ass or anyone else’s, because for the life of me, I can’t locate the industrial size container of toilet paper. (I’ve received multiple calls at work from the hubby looking for TP, which has been housed in the same utility closet since we moved to the house 6 years ago.) 

• The grocery store, what the hell is that?

•  Our bills- no idea, the wife handles that. 

• Taxes, huh, what do you mean? You have to file taxes? Seriously? Every year? No thanks!  Call my wife. 

• I’d drive a truck that doesn’t have room for a car seat..it doesn’t matter my wife picks up the baby (why do I need a car seat?). 

• Vacation plans? I’d show up, and most likely bitch about something that was planned, but hey as long as I can get a beer when we get there, I’m good.

•  I have no idea where, why or what about just about anything around the house and that’s the way I’d like it. 

• Oh, and I would scratch and fart with complete irreverence for my fellow house mates.

• And after my wife took care of all that crap and tumbled into bed exhausted, I'd still have the nerve to ask her if she wanted to get naked for me!
  

Ah, it's good to be the man . . . with a great wife!

 

Radical Experiment

As an overly busy working mom, I find that this AWM spends a lot of money on "things" to keep the train on the tracks. A LOT of money. If this sucky economy has taught this AWM anything, it's this: A) I used to be pretty darn comfortable and I took it for granted, and B) I can live like a refugee if necessary.

I know that some of you are the same way. Just because we are working extra hard in this economy to stay afloat, just because we already have zero time to spare, just because we are running around our often 20 hour days like a complete psychopath, that's just one obstacle away from going off the range. We still want to give our children the best of both worlds. I often kill myself doing this. I want the well- balanced home cooked meals, I want the story time, I want the gymnastics and soccer time with my girls, I want to participate in the school fair and show up to the third baton performance this week.

Well, something has to give. Often, this is where I spend money on things that make this craziness work. You know the coffee, oh dear lord the coffee, the casserole at the "pre-made ready to be picked up" place, the cookies from the bakery for the bake sale, you get the picture.

So, here goes the radical experiment: Does it matter, is it that much money, what works and what can we live without (without living like a refugee)?

I am going to try and cut everything, everywhere for a week and see where it leaves me. I'll multiply that out over the year and share with you so that you can (without the pain) see what cuts, if any, make sense.

Full Disclosure: The coffee stays, it's not going anywhere . . . I'd rather live like a refugee than have to give up my coffee!

Who asked Jessica Alba??

Jessica Alba is on the cover of this months Self Magazine. She says in the interview that she loves her stretch marks, cellulite and saggy boobs. Are you seriously one of these "it's a badge of honor" nuts?? Hey Jessica, Shut it!! No one loves stretch marks, no one loves saggy boobs, NO ONE. Now, are you asking if I know now what I did then, would I do it again? Of course I would! I love my 2 kiddos more than life and would cut off an arm to get them here. HOWEVER, do I sit and look at my self and say hey jiggly ass I love you, hey brown line on my stomach you are wonderful, hell no! 

Pregnancy can do a number on a woman's body and I want to scream when goofy Hollywood types make the rest of us feel like we aren't zen with our bodies because we aren't happy that we look like a freaking zebra. Come on lady! I am one of the psychos doing crunches on the end of the hospital bed postpartum so maybe I have a jacked up view point. You tell me? Ladies, love your stretch marks?

Starbucks or Bust!

Starbucks or bust

 

So in this crappy economy Starbucks has the balls to go up .15 on their already $4 cup of Joe. Seriously? Times must not be so bad in Seattle. I will go ahead and say that Starbucks helps me get through my day from the 1^st cup brewed at home at 5 AM to the 4^th (*shot in the dark from the counter) on my way in to work to my 6^th or 7^th (espresso in the drive through) on the way home. So either I need to get a job at Starbucks, cut the cord on my serious Caffeine addiction or try a new cheaper brand. Come on SB, just another thing to throw a monkey wrench in AWM’s day? It is bad enough that I tell anyone who asks that all I want for Christmas is a Starbucks gift card, but now those dwindle even more quickly. My husband gave me a book once that highlighted how if you saved the money from your daily SB that you would make 250K over your life time. You know, I think 250K to be able to manage your day isn’t so much? OR does this just highlight my high level of caffeine addiction? I often think that the kids on Intervention have nothing on me if you were to pry the cup of Joe out of my hand. AWM sans caffeine- whoa – a social experiment that I don’t think we are ready for!

 

*Try a shot in the dark at your own risk! The 1^st time AWM had one (on a 5 time delayed flight to get home) I thought my heart may stop!

A day in the life of....maybe this is why we are so ticked!

Do you ever think of how many task happen for the working MOM before they get out the door?

Scenario…

Breakfast for Lane..bottle for Lily (My dear husband does this)
Pack lunch
Pack Baby's bottles, food, change of clothes
Load dishwasher so that bottles are clean for evening.
Load of laundry so that they are ready to dry when I get home
Make meat loaf so that it’s ready to stick in the oven when we get home
Swim suit for swim team..
Snack for swim team practice
Homework in bag for school.

Pony tail hair
Pack pack..as Lane calls it
Get Lane to bus stop

Laptop
Spreadsheets off of the kitchen table
Coffee Mug..Oh dear God Coffee
Frozen waffle in hand..

Alright in the car..

Whoa..back up the stairs where is the lovie?

Drop off Lily..bottles, talk to teachers, kiss baby girl
Off to the office..1 hour commute (10 miles)
BlackBerry and check VM/Email in fore mention traffic hell
At the office..are you tired yet? The day has just begun

Hard-line negotiations..
Client visit, client lunch
Deal falls through..
Try to resurrect deal… re-pitch deal
50 sales calls
Send out contracts
Generate reports for meetings
Meetings
Head out to pick up kids (With 100 things still to do)
Pick up Lily- smiling as usual
Pick up Lane from Swim team
Head home
Pop in meatloaf
Fix snack, fix cereal for Lily
Feed Lily
Meat loaf-
Go over day with Lane, teacher’s folder, send notes back to the school
Get baths- 2
Lay out tomorrow’s cloths for both girls and Mom
Make Bottles for tomorrow
Clean up table and dishes from dinner
Play with Lane and Lily
Go over reading, math or writing with Lane
Read Lane night time story
Lily bottle and to bed
Load dishwasher, swiffer floor
Pick up after everyone
Put away laundry
Log on to finish 100 things not accomplished at the office
Fall asleep..get a couple of hours and do it again.

The next time I hear someone say I didn’t get a thing done today- I am going to say, really? I got 1500 things done. OR Why not? I never feel like I get everything done and I certainly don’t feel like I have mastered anything. I am often hanging on by a thread! The next time I feel this way I will take a look at the list.

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday

So, I’ve got one of the milestone Birthdays coming up this week, well tomorrow. One of those it’s time to take inventory of your life and measure yourself against what you thought you would be doing at this age. Well, I don’t have any of that this time. This is my first wow you’re hitting a milestone birthdays and even though my Mother and my Mother in law have asked me multiple times how I feel (as if it makes a damn difference) I don’t feel anything. I have not had enough time to even think about it. But now that I am taking time to think and type about it there is something that I am noticing.. I am noticing it in photos and think that I am just really tired and that my face will bounce back any day now.  My eyelids used to have a large canvas to paint on this season’s favorite shimmer. It seems of late I have to create this illusion; the crease of the eye has a whole new meaning. I swear my brush could get lost in the abyss that used to be my eye lids. So I guess it’s becoming apparent that having a baby did a hell of job on my forehead! I still wake up and think that the lines in my forehead are going away as soon as I get a good night’s sleep. So what does a ticked off working mom who now has a road map on her face ask for her Birthday?? Botox? Nah, a baby sitter, a martini and that good night of sleep will do just fine.

To borrow a line from this Southern Girls favorite Southern movie:

Honey, time marches on and eventually you realize it is marchin' across your face.

Oh and Sonya, no comments needed. I know you can get me a deal on an eyelid lift.  I’m just not ready to admit that I need one!